Please God, I prayed.

The gathered skirt was not terribly full but would accommodate my hips which are my number one fit issue. Since I’m small on top and have a narrow waist, I knew it would fit. I so wanted that dress!

The customer asked the size but demurred when told it was a “size 14.” The vendor explained that sizing had changed in the 70s and 80s; since the dress was from the 50s, it would be a 6 or 8 today. The customer decided to think about it and walked away. With a big smile, I stepped forward and said, “I’ll take it.”

Measurements and proportions get into our heads, even when we don’t know exact numbers. Kim Kardashian. Marilyn Monroe. Audrey Hepburn. Beyoncé. We need only hear or read their names and our minds conjure clear images of them. And often, we often map our images of models and celebrities onto ourselves. And we can expect clothing to fit because we’ve seen our favourite celebrities wearing something similar. But then the fit isn’t right. Because ours are not theirs.

Long after I learned to sew, I was still expecting both the things I made and those I bought off the rack to fit because they were my size. I had to let go of the image I carried in my head (which belonged to an amalgam of models and celebrities), and get to know my actual body.

You can do the same thing. If you come to know your body, you can use that information to help you choose styles that are more likely to fit and even learn which variations of more difficult to fit garments might work for you.

So, for example, if your measurements are Bust 36” Waist 30” Hips 35”

and my measurements are Bust 36” Waist 27” Hips 40”

Using the chart below, we each have size 8 busts. Your waist is between an 8 and a 10, while mine is between a 6 and an 8. Your hips are a size 4 while mine are between an 8 and a 10.

US Size 4 Size 6 Size 8 Size 10 Size 12

Bust 32 in 34 in 36 in 38 in 40 in

Waist 24 in 26.5 in 29 in 31 in 33 in

Hip 35 in 37 in 39 in 41 in 43 in

So what sizes are we? The answer is, according to this chart, none. But we can each determine sizes that fit as closely as possible.

First, styles matter!

For oversized/looser fitting dresses, shirts, tops, and jackets, we’d both go with our bust size, an 8. The fit of the neckline, shoulders, and armholes matter most and all those require the right bust. (We’ll keep coming back to that.)

For oversized/looser fitting jeans and trousers, you’d begin with a size 8 and I’d begin with a size 10 because my hips are wider than the measurements of a 6 or an 8.

For full skirts, we’d both go by our waist measurements.

But we must both try on the pieces and decide whether the fit is what we want. The fit we want is what matters. (Much more on fit and figuring out the fit you want in the next series of posts.)

When choosing closer fitting clothes:

For tops, you’d begin with an 8 but be ready to try a 10 if the waist area is too tight. I’d begin with a size 8.

For dresses, you’d focus on fitting your waist knowing the hip might be too large. I’d focus on fitting my hips knowing the waist and top would probably be too big, depending on the style.

For jeans and trousers, you’d begin with your waist. I’d begin with my hip measurements knowing, because I’ve done this so many times before, that I probably have to size down and, most of the time, I’d still have to settle for a too big waist.

For closer fitting clothes, we’d both be doubly wise to focus on styles and brands. I find certain brands fit quite well, including my hips and all. While others are just never right. You can almost certainly find brands that work for you.

I have much more information on making fit, rather than style, your objective, so subscribe to learn of new posts.

In the meantime, compare your actual measurements to some of the size charts from your favourite brands. In light of this article, what measurements would you use when choosing sizes?

And, if you have clothes that don’t fit as you would like, whether too big, too small, or both, begin trying them on and try to begin diagnosing where they should fit better.

And please remember, there is nothing wrong with your body! God doesn’t consult a size chart when he makes us. Size charts are business decisions.

There is no “ideal” women’s body!

We live at a time when women’s clothing is made by people who will never see us, never take our measurements, never fit a garment on our actual bodies. Don’t let people who will never see you determine your self image or prevent you from having clothes that you love because they actually work for your body and your life. We’re not models. But then models are not what we think they are. We’ll talk about models next.

That said, I’m hoping this Substack, and the related one I’ll begin during March will help pay my expenses. So paid subscriptions are most welcome. Thanks so much.

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Materials required:

As you take your measurements, make a note of them.

Use a tape measure. This pink one is my favourite because it’s softer than most others I own and have seen. Softer is more comfortable and also allows a more precise result.

Also, a friend gave me the small pink one. It’s retractable; I keep it in the small kit I take with me when I meet with clients. It’s narrower than standard tape measures, and also softer, so again, it gives a more precise result. (And, you can keep it in your bag to take measurements when you shop.)

In general, wear a supportive bra with no padding. (See exception below; also find more information below.) Either take your measurements over your bare skin/lingerie, or wear very close fitting and thin cami, top, and tights or close fitting and thin workout wear. Any bulk will give you imprecise measurements.

Measuring Your Bust

The tape measure should touch your nipples in front and lay across about 2 or 3 inches above the very bottom of your shoulder blades, in back. Keep the tape level (avoid allowing it to sag in the back) and snug but not tight. Don’t squoosh your breasts, or any other part of your body.

To measure your bust, you must wear a bra. If you’re an A or B cup snd have little sagging, you may not need to wear a bra at all, and certainly not an under wire bra. Don’t wear a padded bra! Padded bras will affect you getting a precise measurement. I’m wearing an Aubade underwire, lace bra with no padding. It has boning on each side to smooth out some sagging, excess skin. (I’ll share my weight gain and loss experience with you at some future point.)

Larger bra cups require an underwire for this measurement. Even if you never wear a bra, unless you have firm breasts with no sagging, to get the most precise measurement, you should wear an underwire bra if you are a C cup or larger.

Get a bra fitting. Do not have a bra fitting at Victoria’s Secret. They measure the bust incorrectly so that the band is bigger and the cups smaller. But because most of the support comes from the band not the shoulder straps. VS fittings reverse that and produce a poor fit. I recommend Neiman’s, Nordstrom’s, or another shop that has a good lingerie department. Then buy one bra; every so often, a bra is very useful.

There is an important reason to wear a bra for this measurement. Breasts that sag will place the widest part of the breast area below the position used for breasts in garments which is just below the armpit. For loose fitting tops and dresses, the position of the breasts matter less. But closer fitting styles only provide space for breasts below the allotted area.

I don’t believe in remaking the body to fit clothing but rather, clothing should be made to suit us. At the same time, I don’t believe that a bra tries to remake us, it supports the bust which often takes pressure off the back and, if wearing a well fitted bra, can ease tired shoulders and upper back.

NOTE: If you find good bras too pricey, make note of your size and buy a bra from a discount shop/site. If buying online, I highly recommend Gilt.com. They sell beautiful lingerie at deep discounts. I also highly recommend buying one really good bra. The French (Aubade, Simone Perele, Chantelle, Eres, Etam, etc), English (Fleur of England, Rigby & Peller, Agent Provocateur, etc.), and Italians (Cosabella, La Perla, Intissimi, etc.), and of course, the German brand, Wolford, etc. make beautiful lingerie for women of various sizes. The English, in particular, make beautiful bras for women of all sizes. All the brands I’ve listed can be found, from time to time, on Gilt or through other sample sale/discount shops/sites. Once accept that beautiful, well designed lingerie is worth owning, the sticker shock lessens and finding off-price pieces becomes as important as finding on sale designer clothing.

Measuring Your Waist

To find your waist, stand straight and tall, hands at your sides. Let one hand glide down your outer thigh until there is a crease in your side. That crease indicates your waist. Mark it with a pin, a post it flag, or something similar. (My waist is marked with the thin cord.)

Be sure to measure your waist at that point. Leave the position mark in place.

Mass produced clothing, as well as sewing patterns, assume the waist is at the navel. But, the waist is also defined as the narrowest place between bust and hips. (Mass produced clothing/sewing patterns also assumes the waist is the narrowest part of a woman’s body, and that is true.) In my next post/video, I’ll talk about using real measurements to find sizes that best fit your actual body even when it doesn’t correspond to brands’ assumed measurements.

BTW, my actual waist is 4” above my navel. (The position of my navel is marked by the silver weight.) Human bodies vary greatly; I guess we fail to read the body specification instructions in the womb and just grow as we please.

Measuring Your Hips

For the hip measurement, in addition to the circumference, make a note of the how many inches down from your waist you measured. (See instructions below.)

Measure your hips where they are widest. Mass produced clothing, as well as sewing patterns, assume the widest part of the hips is 9” below the waist. So measure down 9” from the mark you made at your waist. Mark the spot, and measure at that point. But check further up and down. Measure what you think is the widest point. (Most women know their bodies.) If that’s not obvious, measure an inch or so up and begin measuring an inch or so below the tape to check whether your hips are wider at another point. You should check as much as 4” or so below the 9” point. The widest point is the actual measurement of your hips; do go with that measurement. Mark that point.

The actual numbers matter! Early on, when I was first sewing clothes to wear to the office, I made several tailored dresses using the measurement at the 9” point. They all fit on top but, at best, pulled tightly across my hips. The 13” position on my body is my widest point. Once I began altering and making patterns that fit my actual body, and choosing sizes and styles that did the same, I was able to wear pencil skirts and close fitting dresses.

In my next post/video, I’ll give information on using your measurements to choose garments that fit better. In the meantime, compare your actual measurements to those given in the size tables provided by your favourite brands. Enjoy!

Use size as a guideline. Be ready to try smaller or larger sizes until you feel you are getting a better fit. Remember, it is not a reflection of your body. (Or the body of any other woman.)

Also important:

If you can’t find a size that works for you, look at different brands. They each use a different set of measurements to determine their sizes.

Learn Next: The most important thing any woman can do is learn to take her measurements. (See my next video.)

Also useful:

1. Fortunately, most US, British, and European brands offer size charts. Use them. The most useful charts give you the measurements of a finished garment. But the feedback on the way a garment fits is often difficult to use as a guideline because there’s no way of knowing the proportions of those who are commenting.

2. Begin to train yourself to be (quietly) critical but not necessarily negative. Look at photos of clothes you find appealing. Also look at the way clothes are on other women. Start to internalize the way you want your clothes to fit, as well as the things you don’t like. What would you change if you were the stylist responsible for making your clothes fit? What fit changes would you add to your knowledge base?

3. Try on some of your own clothes that feel like the wrong size. Are they the wrong size all over? What areas would you make bigger or smaller?

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I stopped myself interrupting and listened to them bemoan the lack of modesty2 in women’s dress and how important it is. Maybe even more important than anything else. Then they both looked at me.

“I don’t agree,” I said.

Were they shocked? I didn’t check. Instead I continued:

“I always lead with beauty. A hem can be lengthened, a neckline raised, a chemise or body stocking worn under something sheer; there are so many ways to make clothes modest. But if they’re not beautiful, why even bother wearing them? In fact, I think if a garment is beautiful, it will be sufficiently modest for the woman who chooses it; otherwise it won’t be beautiful to her; it won’t be right.”

I spend a good amount of my leisure time with Christians (and others) who are appalled at the lack of modesty. On occasion, I send my women friends and acquaintances images of modest outfits being worn by celebrities. They reply, “I could wear a skirt that length.” Or, “Now that’s modest!” Rarely does one say, “That’s beautiful!” I don’t understand that. If the most important thing is modesty, we could just make canvas caftans and be done with it.

But most of us don’t reach for the equivalent of canvas caftans. We automatically reach for beauty. And we reach for it long before we understand the word. A little child picks weeds with white, yellow, and purple flowers not because they are weeds, but because they are beautiful and they want to give beautiful things to the people they love. Beauty is fundamental. And we take that for granted.

Our hearts long for beauty. For Plato, the beautiful draws us to the good and the true. St. Paul breaks down beauty and places it front and center in our minds, hearts, bodies, and lives: “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”3

I don’t mean prettiness or cuteness.4 I mean the beauty of the person in front of me who may really be cheered by seeing a woman in a flirty dress.5 I mean clothes that actually suit the woman wearing them because they allow her to forget herself and reach out to the world she encounters. I mean a woman choosing clothes not because everyone else has bought them but because because with them she expresses some ineffable part of herself. I mean the beauty of well-made fabrics, of excellent design; the beauty that shows the world the acts of love that go into making clothes. I mean clothes that don’t harm the earth, clothes that countless hands make, clothes that can return to the earth without marring it. And I certainly mean the beauty that comes when the countless hands are filled with a living wage, treated with respect; the beauty of just working conditions.

Getting dressed is a powerful social act that touches more people than we realize: we should take it seriously. At the same time, we must take it in a light-hearted way because getting dressed is fun. And when it helps us bring beauty into the world, we are only doing what is human, making the world more hospitable for everyone. Even when rushing to the office,6 we can bring beauty to those we encounter. In fact, leading with beauty is, and ought to be, a common form of subversive action.

Fr. Luigi Giussani,7 an Italian philosopher and professor, told the story about going to visit a very ill, elderly woman in hospital. When she heard he was coming, she requested her handbag, pulled out her lipstick, and applied it. He told her she was beautiful and was later careful to tell those with whom he shared the story how good it was that she still sought beauty while approaching death.8

Beauty when facing death is subversive! It’s a cry of joy by one who refuses to be beaten down by the worst that can happen; a cry of hope for a future. I want to be like that woman today, and also when I’m elderly and expecting a visit. I want beauty for myself and to share with all those in my life, even if we only pass on the street.

Reaching for beauty is reaching for meaning. And it saves lives by giving meaning when the world is ripping everything else away. How many children have survived difficult childhoods because of music, dance, art, writing?

I want us all to be beautifully subversive. I want us to let beauty help us criticize the appalling lack of beauty in our world, beginning with our own selves.

I want that criticism to spur us to ensure art is a required subject throughout each child’s and adolescent’s education. Ditto great literature from all cultures. Ditto languages, including dead languages that are the foundation of those we speak today. Ditto writing and creative writing.9

I want beauty to make it necessary for students to have shop and domestic arts and sciences classes so kids might discover the joy of creating and fixing with their own hands.10 And please, please, please, let us find ways to make the beauty of music available to all children.

Let our criticism be beautiful, positive criticism that spurs us to use beauty to convince others to help us raise funds and find the necessary resources to provide for the children in our neighbourhoods and cities, our country, our world. Food, water, and love are vital. So is beauty. And especially, we must open our hearts and minds to accept the beauty those of different cultures have to share with us.

I want those of us in, or adjacent to, fashion to use beauty to criticize an industry that, along with the rest of the textile industry, is responsible for 40% of the pollution on the planet.11 I want us to wear the clothes in our closets, and buy fewer, higher quality pieces that work with what we own, that we keep and wear for a long time. I want us to use beauty to criticize design based on a set of measurements that don’t correspond to the vast majority of women by having our garments altered to fit our actual bodies.12 I want us to use beauty to criticize badly made clothing by leaving such pieces on shop racks. And I so want us to use beauty to criticize the ugliness of failing to phase out plastic fabrics by choosing, as far as possible, natural fabrics and, as they become more prevalent, bio-elastics and other fabrics that are safe for the world.

I want us to love beauty so much, to keep it so fully before our vision, that we make our own parts of the world more and more beautiful and then help those next door.

And to my dear friends who are concerned about the “M” word, always lead with beauty. Let beauty lead you to modesty.

The first, most important thing you can do is separate shopping from buying.

                                               Source: Hotels.com

There’s no reason they must be the same thing.

                                               (Source: The Week Daily)

You might say, ‘But it’s convenient to do both at once.’

What is more convenient: buying things you never wear or having a wardrobe of clothes you love and actually wear?

You might say, ‘If I find a pair of black trousers, I should just buy them because I need black trousers.’

You may need black trousers but will the the black trousers you’re holding be best for your wardrobe? For you? Will they last many years and still be relevant? Will they soon need to be replaced? Are they beautiful and wonderful and just somehow perfect?

You’re discovering: your style. And you’re learning to build a wardrobe of clothes you love and want to wear. If you don’t already have that, and, if you want it, it’s time to try something different. I’m offering something different that works!

When we conflate shopping and buying, we’re so often telling ourselves, I must get a dress today. So we buy a dress… that will do. We get it home and, like Elaine in that episode of Seinfeld, discover it’s so much not the dress we hoped it might be. We wear it once, or maybe a few times, then consign it to “that place” in the closet or under the bed and never wear it again.

That’s not wardrobe building. That’s continuing to buy things that are not right. Things that are often never worn or are soon never worn again. The end result is many clothes but not much to wear.

On the other hand, shopping, but not buying allows you to conduct fact finding missions. It’s a chance to learn. And compare. And discover the possibilities. And decide what’s best for you; what will work in your wardrobe, in your life. And what will make you happy.

So plan shopping (not buying) excursions.

Before you go shopping, eat enough at breakfast or lunch so that you’re not hungry. Hunger causes us to experience everything through deprivation.1 You want to experience possibilities! Wonders!

Dress pulled together casual2 and go to the most expensive shop in your area.3 (You’ll be fine. Just do it. If necessary, do it scared. And bring a friend along.)

For many women, this will be a shop you have never entered before so take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘I’m here to learn not look at the prices.’ Then boldly go forth.

                                              Maxfield Los Angeles (Time Out)

Go to the floors with extremely expensive women’s clothing.4 Wander about. Look at everything. Enjoy the scent of new clothes. When you find yourself attracted to a particular rack, touch some of the fabrics.

Remember, don’t look at the price tags.5 And don’t worry about size.6

How does the fabric feel under your fingers? Against the back of your hand? Imagine how it might feel if you were wearing it.7 Continue to touch fabrics that attract you. Enjoy the depth of colour. Enjoy all the little details that come to your eye.

This is the beginning of experiencing quality. Quality is a foundational component of a beautiful wardrobe that lasts, that looks and feels beautiful for a long time.

   A wardrobe you love should be a wardrobe of high-quality clothes!
                      (Keep repeating that until
        "wardrobe you love" & "high-quality" are synonymous!)

When your senses are tired, thank the sales associate by name, tell them you need to see other possibilities/things, but that you’ll be back. Then leave but take the memory with you.

If you don’t have much experience of quality fabrics, make many similar excursions and let yourself learn.

This morning, I noticed a gold chain dangling from an over the door shoe rack that supplements my closet rack. (Did I say I live and work in a tiny space?) When I pulled it down, I found…

Finding my All Saints sandals put me in the mood to pull out other shoes I might wear between now and July. I found…

And there are my white mesh, Louboutin ballet flats, and butter yellow and blue suede, Manolo ballet flats.

And I must have kept my red suede Pollin Brescia sandals for dancing which the fires pre-empted.

I have my wonderful lavender Converse and superbly cool Black Vans! (And even a pair of butter yellow Keds that are awaiting a gentle scrub. Who knew I had all that butter yellow in my closet?)

And there are several more Spring/Summer perfect shoes in my closet right now! (Including my Lavender Suede Flats.)

Might I have just bought a few of pairs of new shoes?

Perhaps. But if I had, not only would I have added more things to my limited space, I’d have spent funds I need for $1000s of dollars of dental work (Sjogren’s is cruel to teeth). I’d have spent other funds that are earmarked for WellCraftedStyle and another project. And I need to move into a larger space.

This is one of those times when I have what I need, so it’s easy to avoid buying more.1 It’s also easy to think sustainability. I want to minimize the harm I do to our world but I know myself well enough to remember that if I haven’t seen and touched what I already have before I shop, I’ll just buy unneeded duplicates. And it’s easy to let this be a time when my day-to-day life exhibits how beauty, quality, and personal style can come together to develop a wardrobe that lasts and is relevant for a long time.

Every pair of shoes I pulled out is relevant this season and will work with many different outfits even though I obtained2 them between one and 30 years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I want the rest of my summer shoes3 but I’ll be more than fine ‘til then.

That’s the kind of wardrobe I want! A wardrobe that doesn’t require me to buy something new when I have a last minute invitation or because I have an upcoming event.4 I want a wardrobe that has me covered from day to night. I want a wardrobe that has depth and interest but becomes better when I add a few new pieces each season. And, I want a wardrobe that can absorb delays, accidents, and the rare (hopefully) ruined piece without requiring me to replace things when I feel under duress.

This is one of the huge benefits of shopping for one’s personal style.

But what if you don’t like the “top” colour(s)? What if butter yellow would never be found in your wardrobe?

Each season, when brands show us new colours, new silhouettes, and new ways to wear everything, the “top” colour is never the only colour on the Pantone palette. And Pantone’s choices are not the only colours that come down the runway, that are in the shops. There are always many choices! And you can always do as I do, I look at a variety of colour palettes from the USA, the UK, and Europe, choose what I like, and create my own palette.5

This year there’s excitement about the “naked” look. Another look involves wearing a body suit and sheer tights under a tailored jacket but no pants or skirt.6 Many women don’t want either look. Fortunately there are lots of alternatives: Lace, worn many different ways, is “in.” Shirt dresses are “in.” Shirts, some close fitting, others oversized, others somewhere in-between, are in. And of course jeans, various trouser silhouettes, shorts in many lengths, t-shirts, and dresses all continue to be “in.”7 Chances are, a thoughtfully developed wardrobe8 will have many pieces that are always “in.”

But they’re over! And I have about a month free.

I do hope you’ve found one or more wardrobe items that you love. Wear them! Use them! Pay attention to the way you feel in your favourite _________. Notice how your __________ makes you smile each time you see yourself in a mirror. Become conscious of how your favourite clothes affect your mood, your posture, your day.

I also hope you’ve identified one or more items that you really dislike. Wear/use them also. But consider wearing them only inside your home while you’re relaxing and can think. Be aware of how those _______, which you cover with a long t-shirt when you wear them to the market, really make you feel. Ask yourself why you’re holding onto that ________ which was never comfortable? Ask yourself why you would choose to wear something that you really don’t like.

In both instances, have an inner dialogue with yourself about what you’ve chosen. (Please don’t blame yourself. We bring all sorts of learned behaviour and attitudes to our clothing choices. Then the time comes when we can choose to reimagine those attitudes and behaviours.)

What I want you to discover is that your clothes have an affect on you but you can choose the affect your clothes will have.

And if you found nothing you love? Or nothing you really dislike? Maybe nothing at all?

My experience is that often we don’t have clothes we either love or hate. Often we just make do. It may be hard to find the right size1 or find a particular colour. Sometimes we are simply overwhelmed with all the choices. Or with life. That’s when we need help.

My best girl friend K is beautiful, brilliant, and extremely talented. She is also excellent with finances. But when it comes to shopping for herself, she needs help. On one occasion, two of us convinced her to go to Century 21 Department Store in NYC. On the way there, and as we walked through the store, she described the one shade of red she could wear, the shapes that work for her, and how her hips are problematic. We finally made it to the department which, at the time, sold mostly high end European designers that K had never considered. While she gingerly went through the racks, we pulled several dresses and convinced her to try them. One was the wrong red, another was the wrong shape. Finally she tried the last dress. When she came out of the dressing room and saw herself in the mirror, she stopped, a stunned expression on her face.

And then she twirled.

If you can’t find anything you love or really dislike, maybe you just need a friend or two.

But you need a certain kind of friend.2 Patience is paramount. Your friend must firmly believe you can discover and define your personal style. You need someone who will keep pulling dresses and who will gently but persistently ask you to try them on. And you need someone who will not bat an eye when you reject them but will return to the racks and pull more dresses.

You need a friend who is only invested in supporting you as you find the clothes that elicit a twirl. That twirl3 is the point where you begin to see yourself and your relationship with clothes differently. It’s where you can’t help but see your expression, your posture, hear the tone of your voice, and begin to realize when you’re unhappy, when you’re happy, when everything is better than you imagined.

Your physical response will nearly always tell you the truth. Our bodies and faces often don’t listen to the words we say. We’re like a child whose cheeks are red, who frowns when she tries to swallow, but says, “I’m okay.” Or the child with a big excited smile and reaching fingers who insists, “I don’t want another ice cream.” Our words and body language aren’t always in harmony.

We all need a friend at times. When you clean your closet,4 a friend will be very helpful. So for now, identify one or two. Ask yourself whether your friend would ask you, “Did you see that you’re frowning? What does that mean?” Or, “Do you see that your shoulders are slumped over? Why is that?” Or, “Look at your face? You’re really, really happy.” You need someone who will ask you to pay attention to your face, your posture, and the tone of your voice. And sometimes, you need a friend who will say, “You’re frowning but you look really good in that dress. Why not put it aside and you can try it on again at some future point?” And maybe you’ll reply, “I love the dress but it just doesn’t feel right.” Or you’ll realize that there’s some other surmountable or insurmountable issue. We can look great in something that’s itchy, ill-fitting, just uncomfortable. If you encounter something you love (or dislike) that just doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts.5

A friend, someone who knows you, is best. But if that’s not possible, and it happens that way sometimes, a consultant is a good choice. Over the next two weeks, I’ll be offering free 10/15 minute FaceTime/Zoom consultations to help you pinpoint something you love and something you really dislike. I can only help the first eight respondents so if a brief consultation will be beneficial, message me.6

We all gravitate towards certain things. One 40 year old woman really intends to buy a black dress but is only attracted to navy or brown. Another 30-ish woman wishes she could just wear her jazz sneakers with her bridesmaid dress.

When the first woman tries on a black dress, she may feel she looks pale or old. Friends may insist she is hot in that LBD but while she can see the dress is amazing, it just doesn’t do it for her; if only it came in dark navy. The second woman tries on flats and heels of various heights. She sees they are gorgeous, but she lights up when she sees the red glitter Doc Martens.

What we gravitate towards has personal meaning. On some level, we know who we are or, at least, who we want to be. We associate certain meanings with what we wear. Certainly trauma and loving experiences build our associations but so do average, moderately pleasant memories. We gravitate towards what feels right. We need to recognize ourselves, to be solid in who we are. When we are solid, we can go through the day without thinking about what we’re wearing or concerning ourselves with what others think.

I once worked with an entry-level paralegal who was about 15 years younger than me and convinced that I had no sense of current fashion. I was amused and began to present myself at her office door each morning so that she might assess my outfit. Very soon she became uncomfortable judging my outfits. The day that she recognized she was wearing a plastic version of the leather belt I wore, she laughed and said, “I can only hope to dress as fashionably as you do.” But my aim was never to dress fashionably. When I wanted to add something to my wardrobe, I simply chose the best iteration of what was available if, and only if, it was right for me. And “right for me” meant the belt, or other item, felt as if it was waiting for me and I could see that it would enhance my life,

WHERE FASHION TELLS US HOW WE OUGHT TO BE,
STYLE USES ELEMENTS OF FASHION
TO EXPRESS WHO WE ACTUALLY ARE.

Style is an expression of personal identity; it welcomes new design if, and only if, a particular design expresses me. That belt, which I still own and wear, expresses me.

Exercise 1

Think of something you own and wear (including seasonal items) that makes you feel happy, excited, or joyful.1 Clothes, jewelry, makeup, nail colour, etc. all count. It might be helpful to ask yourself: What would I keep if I only had 15 minutes to decide? What do I look forward to wearing? Set a timer, and choose one or more things that respond to your question.

Now repeat the exercise but choose something you don’t like or something you wear when you feel sad, lonely, angry or just blah.2

Then ask yourself about each choice, Why this? There are no right or wrong answers. All that matters is the truth. And as you grow and change, you may find something that was important to you/worth leaving behind today will not be a year from now. Make a brief note of your impressions.3

Example 1: I love red toenails. When I see them, they make me smile. I feel like a teenager on a hot Summer day in NYC ready to go to the beach. I want to dance all the way there. The association is so strong that even in winter, I wear flip flops indoors as much as possible.

Example 2: I can’t stand self belts/ties on dresses/jackets/skirts/etc.4 I always switch them out for a real belt. I don’t even use a self belt on my raincoat; it’s packed away somewhere to be used in some future project. Self belts feel unfinished, ill-considered. They just crease and become smaller and less belt-like as the day goes on.. A leather or metal belt adds edginess; they make the garment more me.

My best friend, Colin, is known to be sartorially spot on. Friends in the mostly conservative DC area anticipate his ensembles. He has often approached me to consult on new purchases and always, he knows himself, knows what he loves, and knows how he will wear what he buys. Many of his women friends seek his input on their wardrobes. Colin knows men’s and women’s clothing and has a good sense of what will work for a particular women. So I was flabberghasted when he burst into my low-telier1 (1) to tell me about a friend who wanted to build a wardrobe: “I told her,” he said. “‘Just get a few neutral skirts and trousers, some neutral shirts and sweaters, and a couple of neutral jackets. Then mix them up and use scarves and other accessories to make different looks. That’s what Drusilla does.’”

“No I don’t,” I said. “I never do that.” After 20 years, how could he think that of me?

Don’t get me wrong, some women swear by and are very happy with the formula Colin gave his friend. But my tastes are much more eclectic. That doesn’t mean I don’t wear classic pieces. I do, nearly everyday. But my collection of neat jackets contains pieces like this vintage cropped one in red wool. The deep wool pile is heavy enough to be used to make a very warm winter coat. Each time I wear it, I am amused that someone in the 1950s chose to make such an impractical and whimsical jacket that is too warm for much of Autumn, too short for most of Winter, but still perfect for me.2 When one button fell off, I searched, to no avail, for thread in the original weight and colour. So I removed all the buttons and resewed them using marigold silk twist. More lovely, private whimsy.

Unopened in my inbox are many emails telling me about the 10 pieces I need to get through Spring, the wedding season, a holiday in Europe, a holiday in the mountains, a week in Vieques or Bermuda, a staycation, etc. That’s at least 60 pieces just for one season. By the end of the year, if I bought all those capsules, I’d have to find space for about 240 pieces! And all the shoes and bags and everything else! Even more daunting, I’d have to remember to wear all of it. That would never happen. First, except for fabric and books, I just can’t spend that much time and energy shopping for myself. A dozen pieces (twenty tops) per year is pretty much my limit. I’d never find space in my closet. Nor would I figure out how to work all that clothing into my existing wardrobe.

I love the clothes I already own and “[c]lothes …pick up their own memories.”3 Any time I please, I relive that hot day in May when, a 17 year-old college sophomore, I walked into Botticelli’s in NYC and asked in a shrill voice if they’d accept a deposit for the pair of perennially on-sale, lavender ballet flats I had ogled for two years. I left all the babysitting money I’d earned that week and returned the following Saturday with more. Finally, they were mine.

My black, wool Matsuda trousers were $35 from a resale vendor at a flea market in NYC. I’ve worn them to court, parties, Church, and funerals; worn them on more occasions than I can remember.

My entire wardrobe is my capsule: most things work with everything else. If they don’t seem to, I find ways to expand their use. (I don’t really believe in limited pieces.) I wear my black, Donna Karan midi evening gown with my COS denim jacket and a favourite belt. The gown reads like a sheer skirt which is spot on this season. I’ve curated my wardrobe so that with little thought or exertion, I’m dressed just right.

I think many women want to dress for their life with little thought or exertion. But not every woman wants an eclectic wardrobe. Sometimes SAHMs just want to dress, when necessary, on par with their professional spouses. Women who are still growing their families don’t want to change their wardrobes whenever they have another child. Other women want to focus on their work and still dress beautifully for the various occasions of their lives. Many women who work long hours but don’t want the usual thing,4 often need help dressing for their work environments in ways that won’t cost them the precious time they have for the rest of their lives. Women with limited budgets want beautiful wardrobes too. As do those who don’t know the first thing about dressing for their bodies and their actual lives.

About a year before I moved to Los Angeles, I was redesigning a wedding gown for a friend who often asked where she could find clothes like mine. Once again, I gave her my usual resources and added, “I’m researching brands that make great clothes ethically; I’ll pass on what I find.” “I’m waiting for your brand,” she said. I did consider developing a brand if my health cooperated5 but that day I found myself saying, “I’m never going to have a brand. There are already too many brands. What women need is help to define their personal style. And then they need help building a wardrobe of beautiful clothes that they love and will take care of because they’ve found what’s right for them and want to wear their clothes as long as possible.” What I realized later is the place to start is with the clothes they already own.

I’m convinced that’s true. Women need ways to learn what I began learning in my early life and then continued teaching myself when my role models were no longer available. Like everything else, building a wardrobe takes work (and time). Once we accept that, the actual work is much easier.

So what wardrobe goals do you have? Do you think it’s worth it to have a wardrobe that really suits you and works for your life? Please comment. And hit the subscribe button. WellCraftedStyle will be free until the end of April. Beginning 1 May some articles will be free and others for paid subscribers. But by then, I believe you’ll really want to build your own well crafted wardrobe.

The mother of the family I lived with after my parents died had also inherited a similar style gene. I watched her (sans lemonade) have similar conversations with shop assistants, taking some pieces to alter herself. but leaving others for the shop’s seamstress. She transformed the cast offs her careless daughter passed on to me: I watched her remake ripped clothes into a wearable and, with my intuitive styling, beautiful wardrobe. She taught me hand sewing and embroidery. At the time, I didn’t value learning to sew; I wanted to play (and did as often as I could escape). But as I approached my teen years, I was grateful that I could make clothes for myself. Learning to sew was an important part of defining my personal style and letting myself grow into being a work of art.

That’s what “WellCraftedStyle” is all about. If I’m a unique work of art (and we all are), how do I express myself through my appearance? It’s an important question because, as long as we’re dressed appropriately for the different occasions in our lives, the answer has less to do with what others wear and more to do with coming to know and trust ourselves and the particular world in which each of us lives. What I have been referring to as “the style gene” comes from cultivating a sense of what works best for me by paying attention to my natural attractions and preferences, my sense of self, how different garments work on my actual body, and how they all intersect with my actual life.

When it came to dressing herself, most of the time my friend Dee showed little understanding of her own personal style. She was graced with a very large bust and tried to dress (and hide) that portion of her body first. But she was also petite with an elfin build. The suits and dresses she wore for her work as a spokeswoman fitted her bust but were usually over large everywhere else. Her attempts to hide and reveal left her looking like a school marm and hid the beautiful quirky, multi-talented philosopher, spokeswoman, photographer, Irish drummer, dancer, deeply caring woman that she was. Reconstructive surgery after a lumpectomy included bilateral breast reductions and as soon as she was able to wear a (much smaller) bra, Dee excitedly went shopping for dresses. I received a series of texts asking which dresses did I prefer. She stood taller and her entire being was happier in some; those were the ones I chose. She was excited as she found herself finally able to be, on the outside, the woman she had been hiding under extra fabric.

Dee had gorgeous legs. She excelled at ballroom dancing and had a growing collection of beautiful heels. For her, heels were the perfect shoes for dance; they were also the perfect shoes for most activities. Dee moved intentionally, even in her slippers, gliding up and down stairs, walking down the street, or moving through a room. Sometimes she broke into little series of dance steps just because. But chemo and the advancing disease affected her balance. She switched to flats but the imbalance persisted. Then one day a package arrived. It contained navy, leather, sneaker-soled Mary Janes. “They’re for stability!” she told me. “They’re cute!” she insisted when she saw the impassive stillness of my face. Silently, I thought them the most unlovely shoes I’d seen in a very long time. Then she stood and flourished her cane. A huge smile lit up her face. She pivoted around the cane and pranced a few steps. Her unlovely shoes were suddenly perfect. They gave us back the graceful Dee we thought lost forever. She was more Dee than she had been in two and a half years.

I approach style from a perspective different than those I see on Instagram, Pinterest, or any of the fashion blogs and sites I follow. It’s even different from style as represented in the European haute couture magazines I've collected since the late 90s. My approach may seem practical to some (clothes are very practical things) or frivolous to others (no wardrobe should be too serious). But like Dee in researching and buying sneaker soled Mary Janes, I’m focused on the way clothing enhances our lives. I'm also focused on what a friend calls "forensic fashion,” particularly when assessing the clothes we own but rarely or never wear: Why was a particular garment chosen? What about it seemed right? What about it said, "That's me!"?

I'm convinced the answers to such questions can help women make choices that will help us look in the mirror and, joyfully, even wonderingly, recognize ourselves. I'm further convinced that when we recognize ourselves, we can forget our appearance and take that joy and wonder with us as we get on with the activities in our lives.

Though I’ve been known to strongly encourage friends and clients to try something they’ve never before considered, I prefer not to tell anyone what to wear. I believe every woman can develop her unique sense of style. Every woman can have a wardrobe that enhances her life. And the best place to start is with the clothes we already own. So follow along for guidance, knowledge, exercises, and ideas that will help you define your style and build a wardrobe that really suits you.

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